I got a call from Paul at Newell's yesterday afternoon.
'Sorry to bother you on a Sunday, Zinnia, but I've got a tricky one and I'm hoping you can help me.'
'I'll do what I can, Paul. What's the problem?'
The deceased is a baby. Charlotte Catherine Hopwood. Her date of birth was 29.4.05, date of death the same.'
'A stillbirth?'
'Yes, as it happens, but that's not the whole story. Zinnia, you don't have to take this one on if you don't want to, there are other people I can ring. I'll quite understand if you don't want to do it.'
His voice sounded strained.
'Tell me about it, Paul,' I said.
'It was a late termination at 27 weeks on the grounds of multiple disability.'
'Oh my goodness!'
'Exactly. I've never had one of those before. It's hard to get your head around.'
'My first reaction is, I'm glad they're having a proper funeral. They'll need it.'
'Yes, not so many years ago it wouldn't have happened. The parents said the hospital were excellent with them, gave them lots of time and choices.'
'That's good. Can you tell me a bit more about the family?'
'They're a lovely young couple with a three-year-old daughter. Money's tight, I'd say. They thought about it a lot, it wasn't an overnight decision.'
'Okay. What's the address?'
'Are you sure, Zinnia? It's going to be a hard one.'
'Yes, it is. Hard for all of us. But worst for them, eh?'
'Zin, you're a darling.' I could hear the relief in his voice.
Paul gave me the address and phone number. I'll be ringing them later.
Writing this, and reflecting on what is to come, it has occurred to me that some people reading this may feel able to make judgements about the actions of these parents, even on the basis of the small amount of evidence available. I may find such judgements in the comments box in due course. I realise that by publishing this story on my blog I am even, potentially, opening myself up to anger and hatred.
But I cannot find it in my heart to judge this young couple, who have faced a much harder decision than any I have ever had to make.
Monday, May 02, 2005
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24 comments:
You'll get no hatred from me, Zin. I wouldn't want to judge anyone without havinbg walked a mile in their shoes... I just hope you can do your usual superb job for the parents, and help them through it with the kind of gentle service they probably need. Good luck though!
J x
What a heart-rending decision those poor parents had to make. I don't think anyone has a right to judge these people, as J quite rightly says. I know it's a subject I gave a lot of thought to when I was pregnant and I still to this day do not know how I would have dealt with it if it had happened to me.
I look forward to reading on. It's an important story which needs to be told.
People can be surpising. We had a pretty high profile case here last year where the "termination" was post birth, but for the same reaons. The baby was multiply disabled and severely brain damaged. The father went through a terrible terrible process before deciding that euthanasia was in her best interests. He was, naturally, charged with murder but had an extraordinarily sympathetic jury. They acquitted him - a decision which generated about equal amounts of sympathy and anger in the wider community.
Zinnia, I think you underestimate your readership if you think we are going to jump all over you for a post like that. My heart goes out the parents for having to make such a difficult decision and to you for doing such a great job.
Wow....what a tough break for the family. They must find it a great relief that the people they need the most support from are willing to give it.
From what I have read so far about how you have dealt with the more difficult situations, I get the feeling that the parents will find you a great comfort.
Good luck to both the parents and you.
OMG! That is just so sad.
You'll get no judgements from me. What a heartwrenching decision these parents had to make. I don't know if I would be strong enough to make it myself and I'll be quite thankful if I never have to.
I'm sure this project will be no picnic for you. Good of you to be there for them.
Zinnia, I don't think you underestimate the range of potential responses that could come spewing forth from such a post. My guess though, is that most of your regular readers would be less likely to appear myopic in commenting on these parents' awful position.
As the consensus seems to be: great writing, great story-telling, as ever.
That is so sad, my heart goes out to the family that had to make this decision. I, like all your readers and friends have ever confidence that you will handle this with the kindess and respect that you have shown to others previously. This will certainly be a tough one for all concerned. God bless.
It's a decision they will live with for the rest of their lives and whether or not we think it is the *right* decision is immaterial. How much love, hope and dreams has died with that babe? There but for the grace of God go I.
Interesting comments.
The thing about it being 'your' site is that it seems pretty pointless for some troll to come and start being deliberately stupid.
And yes, who are we to judge? I hope that this young couple are able to find some peace once their baby is put to rest by you.
I'm mute with my own issues today and still commenting. Please take this space
and fill it with all the solidarity you can imagine. It's there, I just can't get anything out now. I'm moved and unbiased. Silence would be the wise choice, but I wish I could touch everyone involved and tell them that this fades even if it always hurts. Everything is gonna be alright.
wow, what a post.
You have an interesting blog here, and I'm sure I'll be back. I worked several years as a transplant coordinator at an eye bank, and understand some of the thought provoking experiences a person in your position goes through.
No hatred from here either. It was a brave choice for you to make. And the young couple is even braver to be going through this very trying time of theirs.
Some friends of mine found themselves in the same situation, and made the same decision.
It's worth remembering that in a lot of these cases there is a high probability that the child will be stillborn or die soon after birth. So you are not necessarily dealing with the situation of parents making a decision not to bring up a disabled child. It may be that they were simply deciding to save themselves the pain and suffering of a full-term stillbirth.
Either way, obviously they need support and understanding, and you seem the perfect person to offer that.
My friends were offered a funeral, but it didn't fit their way of dealing with it.
My advice (for what it's worth) would be not to treat this as a special case. Being excessively and overtly "understanding" could imply that they've done something wrong. They have lost a child, and that's all there is to it.
Those poor parents. They must be hurting so much. I'm glad there has been no horrible judgements here yet. I can't imagine having to make a decision like that. It would take years to get over. I am just glad that they live in a place where they are allowed to make such choices and save their little one so much suffering.
Carrie (queenoframbles)
Nothing different from what most people have said.
What a very tough decision to take. One that I hope I never have to. There is never a right or wrong in these kinds of situations. Human lives cannot be categorised in such a way. There is simply a private choice made by the mother and father; society should repect that.
My heart goes out to them.
What a compellingly sad story. The parents are lucky they found you: I can hardly think of anyone more qualified to navigate these uncertain waters as you.
I can't imagine being in the position of having to think about such a choice let alone make one.
I feel for you, this is going to be a very tough one. That family needs compassion, all they can get.
Thanks for visiting my blog via Michele.
Oy was crying and could not see what I wrote until I hit publish. Major boo boo's and repeats so lets try again now that I am calmer. This hit very close to home.
No hatred here either. I have "lost" two babies myself. One was a late 1st trimester loss of heartbeat. I was told numerous times that I would not be able to carry to term and that I would eventually lose the baby. I was just too old. Thankfully I had a great support system in everyone involved and was mentally prepared for the worst. The loss is something that stays with you always. I can only be thankful I did not have to face what these parents did, that a higher power made the choice for me. I was also told that if the baby survived the chances of severe disabilities where in the 90th percentile. My choice would have probably been the same.
Just you being there for them is the best medicine anyone could ask for.
You have a huge heart Zin, Let it always be your guide :)
zinnia, I said it before and I'll say it again, I admire the
non-judgemental way that you deal with people. Looks like most of your readers agree!
Thank you. Very much. All of you.
I have been reading your site for only two days - recommended by my son as "good - thoughtful" and have wept along with many of your readers. I find it quite inspirational and - if it isn't inappropriate - wish you Godspeed
Pat
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