More Tea, Vicar?

Gordon surprised me by being younger than I am, around 30 I would guess, and large: about six foot four and built like a rugby player. He wasn't wearing a clerical collar, either, just a comfy-looking green jumper and brown cords. He had twinkly brown eyes and ruddy cheeks, as if he spent a lot of time outdoors.

He accosted me in the street outside the family's house.

'Hello, are you Zinnia?'

'I am.' I took his proffered hand for shaking. 'How can you tell?'

'Arr,' he said, mimicking a West Country accent, 'you be a stranger in these parts.'

I returned his grin. 'I certainly am, I've never been here before. Nice, isn't it?'

We admired the pretty village, quintessentially English, with wonky cottages around a little green.

'So, Gordon, do you come here often?' I asked, still grinning.

'You can't ask me a question like that, I'm a vicar!' he said, mock-shocked. 'But, yes, I have a number of parishioners in the village, and I've been visiting Ade and Barbie quite a bit over the last few months, while he's been ill.'

'Now that's one difference between your job and mine. I don't have a pastoral care role, so I rarely meet families before this point. I guess it makes it harder for you.'

'I was just thinking that it must be harder for you. At least I have a relationship with these people to build on, something we can share, but you have to go in cold when they are very upset and traumatised.'

'But then I can care in a kind of professional way, which is easier without the personal involvement. I suppose there are pros and cons, but I've been involved in ceremonies for people I knew personally, and I found that much more difficult.'

Gordon looked thoughtful. 'And I find it harder to do the ones for people I've never met. Although that may be because they're usually not particularly religious, and just use the church to be hatched, matched and dispatched. Interesting, isn't it?'

'It is. I can talk about this kind of thing all day, and I suspect you can too, but I'm thinking we should go and see the family.'

'You're right. And I think I'm putting it off a little. So perhaps it's not so easy after all.'

I gave him my best sympathetic smile and gestured for him to go first up the short path to number 43. Barbara opened the door and welcomed Gordon with a warm hug and kiss.

'And you must be Zinnia.' She shook my hand and smiled at me, a comfortable, motherly woman in her late 60s. 'Come on in.'

Her small living room was crowded with people. Gordon and I were given the places of honour in the two armchairs. We were introduced to her two daughters, Lorraine and Jenny, and their husbands Ben and Alan, and her son David and his wife Sohana, and to Barbara's 'big girl' and eldest grandchild Dawn who was 10 years old. Dawn's younger brother Terry was playing football with some friends outside, but Dawn had clearly decided that it was her responsibility to look after Grandma, and she was doing it for all she was worth. She perched on the arm of the sofa next to Barbara; Lorraine and Jenny sat on the sofa too; and the other four somehow found spaces for themselves on the floor.

'Have you two met before?' Barbara asked us.

'No, only today, in the street outside,' said Gordon. 'But we've spoken on the phone.'

'So how are you going to work together?' she asked.

'We don't know yet,' I admitted, which made everyone laugh. 'We're making it up as we go along. Have any of you been to a humanist funeral before?'

None of them had, so I handed round explanatory leaflets. 'This is what we do when it's just us. And I'm guessing everyone has been to an Anglican funeral.' They all said they had. 'So I think we're looking for an amalgam that includes the best of both approaches, that Gordon and I can deliver together, so that everyone's views are reflected and included.'

'When you say you can deliver it together, how will that work?' asked Barbara.

'Well, I think I'll do the God part and Zinnia can do the rest,' said Gordon. 'How does that sound?'

'Does that mean you'd do your bit and then Zinnia would do hers?'

'I was thinking more like we'd take it in turns,' I said. 'How about if we each did part of each bit? So that we'd each give a short introduction, explaining why we're there and what our role is; then we could each do a reading, or some of you could get involved at that point if you'd like to. Of course I wouldn't do a Bible reading, but I have some readings you can look at later on to see whether you like any of them. Then for us the central part of the ceremony is a tribute to Adrian, well Gordon knew him personally while I didn't, so perhaps Gordon could do most of that, or you can tell me things so I can do some of it, or again you can do some or all of it yourselves. Then we could have a period of silence, where people can say their own prayers or remember Adrian however they like. Gordon, I'm sure you'll want to say some prayers at some point on behalf of the religious people present. And at the committal we could each say a bit, and then again for the closing words. That's just a rough idea, what do you think?'

'What about hymns?' asked Barbara.

'I don't mind having hymns as long as I don't have to sing them,' I said.

'That shouldn't be a problem,' said Gordon. 'There are always people who don't join in with hymns, for all sorts of reasons. I love to sing, so I usually say something like "I'm going to sing hymn number 138 and if any of you would like to join in you'd be very welcome to". And I guess you're talking about "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot," Barbie, would that be right?'

'Spot on,' she said. 'You see, Zinnia, Ade was a huge rugby fan – and a rugby player, too, in his younger days. And that was one thing he and Gordon had in common. Ade didn't get on with the vicar before Gordon, they didn't see eye to eye at all. He was a bit old school and he used to put Ade's back up. But when Gordon took over four years ago, he and Ade really hit it off. Ade wasn't sure at first, because of the other vicar, and he said to you, when he met you, didn't he, "don't you dare try to convert me".'

'He did. And I told him I wouldn't dream of it. And then he said "and don't you write me off, either, just because I'm not a Christian".'

'That's right,' said Barbara, her eyes bright with remembrance. 'And you said "and don't you write me off, either, just because I am one". Remember? He was fine after that.'

'He was a lovely man and I was very fond of him,' said Gordon. 'And I like your idea that I could do part of the tribute. But as Barbie said, I only knew him in the last four years. So maybe I could just talk about that, and you could cover the rest.'

'Unless any of you would like to do part of it yourselves?' I asked.

They all looked at each other doubtfully.

'The thing is,' Lorraine said, 'we've talked about this, and some of us would like to, but we don't think we'll be able to when the time comes.'

'It is a very hard thing to do,' I said. 'So would you like me to do it for you?'

'Yes, please,' said Barbara.

So we spent ages talking about Adrian, with me tapping away on my laptop, and many cups of tea. We discussed readings (Gordon: Ecclesiastes 3:1-7; me: the Tree of Life). We sorted out the music: Swing Low, Sweet Chariot to be sung before the committal, then all the other music to be Status Quo songs on CD, as Gordon and Barbara were huge fans of the band and had seen them many times. They decided on In The Army Now for coming in, to reflect Adrian's years as a soldier; Over And Done for the committal; and Rockin' All Over The World for going out. ('It has to be,' said Barbara.)

After a couple of hours we seemed to have everything we needed. 'So I'll write this up into a draft script,' I said, 'and then I can email it to Gordon to have a look at, will that be OK? Then you can tell me what you think, and we can make any changes we need to make between us until we're both happy with it.'

'Can we see it too?' asked Barbara.

'Of course you can. Maybe it would be best if Gordon and I work out a version we're happy with first, and then email it over to you, how would that be?'

'Fine,' she said.

So that's my next job. I'm enjoying this; the family are lovely and Gordon's a delight. Working on the ceremony with him is interesting, because I need to be able to justify everything I include. I should be able to do that anyway, but knowing that someone else will assess what I'm doing has sharpened my focus. I'll let you know how it develops.